Don’t Do What Donny Don’t Does
FEATURE: Your Straightforward Guide To Surviving A Music Festival
If you don’t want to be ‘that guy’ at Splendour this year, then follow these ten tips. I’m pretty sure ‘that guy’ doesn’t read or learn so if that’s you, this will all be incomprehensible dialect anyway.
If you have any of your own, please comment or tweet your suggestions.
1. Befriend your campsite neighbours.
It’s quite likely you have a lot in common and there’s a solid chance you’ll enjoy their playlist. They can come in handy when you’ve forgotten something & can even give you a ‘heads-up’ should you be consuming certain prohibited liquids or the like. Number 1 advantage though is that it can prevent theft. If they see a suspect loitering around your tent, they may prosecute the POI & you can do the same for them. Even though your exy items would be locked and secured in your car, I know I don‘t want some creeper going through my unmentionables. Unless your neighbours ARE the creepers. Then notify security & get better ones. Unless YOU’RE the creeper. Ok I’m gonna stop now. You get it.
2. Wear thongs in the shower & gum boots to and from the shower. I don‘t trust the infused ‘mud’ between the showers and port-a-loos for a second.
3. Don‘t record performances. A couple of snaps of your fave band are ok, but recording it will only annoy punters around you, you’ll end up with shit videos that you’ll never watch & eventually delete to make space; and why not leave it to the professionals? Channel [V] will get better footage anyway! Also, you’ll make Jack White‘s dreams come true. Bless his little cotton socks.
4. Use deodorant. Cannot stress this one enough. Also, tell your friends. This advice comes from someone who is 5ft2 and subsequently, whose face is unfortunately at the perfect armpit height of the crowd for the majority of the festival.
5. Don‘t do drugs. Drugs are bad mmmkay. Ok now that’s out of the way, if you do carry narcotics expect police & their furry friends to give you a very public demonstration involving the awesome power of the canine sniffer. Don‘t be surprised by their presence. If you are surprised it can be deduced that you’re obvs on something right now so you forget reading this completely. (BTW: You’re high right now & patient/alert enough to read this? How are you doing that? I’m not even mad. That’s amazing). I digress, if you are caught off guard, don‘t swallow your whole stash like an idiot. Scholars maintain that drug diversion, a police record or even in extreme cases jail time is widely accepted as being preferable to death.
6. Hand sanitiser. I only condone its use in 2 situations. Hospitals & port-a-loos. Wait, maybe if you accidentally touch Ke$ha. Anyway, did you ever see that episode of Embarrassing Bodies where they went to that festival & tested those people & the results showed they had faecal matter all over them? Ew. Don‘t become a statistic.
7. Mum tip: freeze large bottles of water to place into your esky as well as the standard party ice. It can stay frozen for days and your beer/cheese will stay cold all weekend!
8. Ladies (or nipple conscious gentlemen): Don‘t wear halter tops or anything designed with a zipper that has the capability of exposing all in one fell swoop. Seen this one happen too many times (I’m looking at you Janet Jackson) that I no longer feel sorry for the unsuspecting victim. Also, hold any merch you’ve purchased tight. Had my freshly acquired Strokes t-shirt stolen right out from under me. It was like losing Golden Boy all over again.
9. A great idea that I’ve never actually managed to put into practise for reasons that may or may not involve FOMO mixed with inebriation is to plan to return to your campsite & put on warmer clothes in the evening. This would (theoretically) save you from shivering back to your cold air mattress at 2am regretting life choices. I’m going to try again this year!
10. If your tent is indistinguishable while sober, do you honestly think the cold, drunk, shell of a person you once were will be able to find it? Mark your tent with a flag or something that will stand out when you’re staggering through the war zone, activating trip wires everywhere.
+1 for good value: The Shewee. don‘t get me wrong. I would never condone the use of one & deplore any male that eliminates waste in my eye/foot/nose line but you know, equality for women I guess, so, yeah this is a thing. Bogans rejoice!